Thursday, June 2, 2011
What's in a Name?
It was the day we had anxiously waited for. January 24th my husband Jared and I would be able to see our baby for the first time together at our 18 week ultrasound. I had visions in my head of what the moment would be like as we would watch our child squirming around-probably thinking about how much “it” already loved us For almost an hour we had the joy of watching our (as we later found out) son wave at us and move around to his hearts content. How perfect he looked in every way!
Our Dr. came into the room after about 20 min of waiting, as we expected to have him tell us we had a perfectly healthy growing baby and we could be on our way. However, the look on his face told us that we were going to be having a very different conversation than we had anticipated. The Dr. asked several somewhat strange questions and proceeded to explain that they had seen a cyst on our baby’s precious little brain. He said it could be something as simple as extra fluid in the brain as it was still growing, and could simply go away on its own…or it could be a serious genetic disorder.
In that moment, I became very conscious that I had several choices. I was reminded of a friend of mine, when he was diagnosed with cancer-his first reaction was to quote 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. Contrary to my typical reaction, I found myself reminded of that verse “Be Joyful Always, Pray Continually, and Give Thanks in all Circumstances.” Remarkably as our Dr. continued to explain our different options, my mind was able to focus thankful prayers to the Lord (this makes me sound like a very spiritual person, however I assure you, this has typically not been my response to a difficult situation-I am a very good worrier).
We decided against having an amniocentesis done, knowing that regardless of the outcome, it would not change how we felt about the birth of our boy. We scheduled a follow up ultrasound 4 weeks later. I knew the next 4 weeks would either be the worst 4 weeks of my life, or that I could look back at it and marvel at all that God taught Jared and me. There were many times (too many to count) when I was tempted to feel sorry for myself, freak out, and worry about how we would handle everything—but God reminded me continually of that verse in 1 Thess. I had to make the decision to lift up my thanks when my temptations to worry would overtake my mind. This was not an easy thing for me to do as it seemed so contrary to my natural tendencies.
I desired to learn how to fully trust God, wondering what trusting God in this particular situation looked like. When we left the office, we both decided in the car that the best way we could trust the Lord would be to not google the genetic disorder or tell all our friends. Our best response was to pray, be thankful, and ask our immediate family to pray along with us. Whenever I felt anxiety or fear, I decided to combat those thoughts with more prayers of thankfulness for anything and everything I could think of. In those moments I knew if I truly believe in a God who parted the Red Sea, protected and cared for His people, and sent Jesus Christ to earth to live and die for my sins, I needed to believe that regardless of what the outcome was of the next ultrasound, God would fulfill every need we had. I could not believe in only pieces of the Bible. I needed to believe every part.
Our small group had been going through the book of Psalms during this period, and it was an amazing blessing to be reminded everyday of God’s many promises. It was amazing to have God speak to us through His word on a daily basis. Psalm 25:3 “No one who trusts in You will ever be disgraced.” And Psalm 20:5 “We will shout for joy when You are victorious and we will lift up our banners in the name of our God.” Were several of the verses that God sang over my soul.
4 weeks later, as we returned to the Dr, I knew that regardless of the outcome, God already had a victory in how He had softened my heart, and taught me to respond in a way that was honoring to Him.
In the next hour, I marveled at a God who was big enough to heal a cyst in a brain, while being small enough to touch a tiny little baby still inside my womb. Talk about God having a victory! I feel that even more importantly then seeing that God was powerful enough to heal our baby physically, was learning that God is trustworthy---He is faithful. His character does not change. Moreover, God is big enough to change my heart to learn to be more trusting. I have learned in a new way that my response while I’m waiting is many times more important then the outcome itself. And I am convinced that had the result not been what it was, God would still have already had a victory in my heart-and would provide us with everything we needed.
It was during this time that I asked God to give us a special name meaning…victory…God’s Victory kept flying out of the pages of scriptures to me. What an incredible joy it would be to be reminded of God’s victory every time I say his name! And so this is what we have done. Our beautiful precious boy who is a victory to the Lord’s credit. This is the story of our boy, and how God gave us his special name…to be revealed upon his arrival in just a few short weeks